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Crime.Justice & America - Humor - "Humor - COURTROOM Q&A"

"Better education means better justice. Better education means a higher standard for government to insure proper prosecution and incarceration. Better education means reduced recidivism, and in turn, less financial burden on society".

 "Humor - COURTROOM Q&A"


Lawyers’ questions and witnesses’ responses, as recorded by court stenographers


Q: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

A: "I only have one, you know."

Q: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"

A: "By death."

Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

Q: "What is your date of birth?"

A: "July 15th."

Q: "What year?"

A: "Every year."

Q: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?"

A: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet."

Q: "Can you identify the rifle?"

A: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it."

Q: "And what did the writing say?"

A: "'Winchester'!"

Q: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

A: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

Q: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"

A: "No. He was wearing a mask."

Q: "What was he wearing under the mask?"

A: "Er...his face."

Q: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"

A: "I forget."

Q: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Q: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"

A: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."

Q: "How long has he lived with you?"

A: "Forty-five years."

Q: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"

A: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"

Q: "And why did that upset you?"

A: "My name is Susan."

Q: "Sir, what is your IQ?"

A: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."

Q: "Did you blow your horn or anything?"

A: "After the accident?"

Q: "Before the accident."

A: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

Q: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"

A: "Yes, sir."

Q: "What did she say?"

A: "'What disco am I at?'"

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

A: "No."

Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

A: "No."

Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

A: "No."

Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"

A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

A: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

Q: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Q: "What happened then?"

A: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"

Q: "Did he kill you?"

A: "No."

Q: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"

A: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Q: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Q: "So you were gone until you returned?"

Q: "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?"

Q: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

Q: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Q: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"

A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

Q: "Was this a male or a female?"

Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

A: "I went to Europe, sir."

Q: "And you took your new wife?"

Q: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."

A: "That's me."

Q: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

Q: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"

A: "I'll be three months on November 8."

Q: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "What were you doing at that time?"

Q: "How many times have you committed suicide?"

A: "Four times."

Q: "She had three children, right?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "How many were boys?"

A: "None."

Q: "Were there girls?"

Q: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

Q: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"

A: "Yes."

Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

Q: "Have you lived in this town all your life?"

A: "Not yet."

Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?"

A: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm."

Q: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?"

Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?"

A: "I refuse to answer that question.

Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?"

A: "I refuse to answer that question.

Q: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?"

A: "No."

Q: "What is your marital status?"

A: "Fair."

Q: "Are you married?"

A: "No, I'm divorced."

Q: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

A: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

A: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Q: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Before or after he died?"

Q: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

A: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work."

Q: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"

A: "Oral."

Q: "How old are you?"

A: "Oral."

Q: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

A: "She is my daughter."

Q: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

Q: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?"

Q: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"

Q: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?"

A: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture."

Q: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"

A: "I could see his head."

Q: "And where was his head?"

A: "Just above his shoulders."

Q: "Do you drink when you're on duty?"

A: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk."

Q: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas."

A: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

Q: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?"

A: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."


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